Sunday, July 15, 2012

Secret Discovered at 48

Boston Comedy Connection's Comed-o-Therapy
..and Pretty close to now.
My lifelong motto is "Can't means Won't Try". A few years back doctors, in all their limited wisdom, started me on a decade long struggle within myself. By no means do I think I'm anything other than average in the looks department, but my one pride was staying a size 5 for almost 20 years.

I did so by eating one meal a day, having tea when I had the hungries, and maybe some toast. It wasn't my way to have breakfast- feeling ill if I did. But hypoglycemia was a constant companion. For the first 20 years it was colitis that determined all of my social habits, and often tore me away from the life of a regular kid. I only gained weight when I was put on depression medication- when really, I was probably just malnourished, and needed to get better sleep habits. The meds became my new "colitis", leaving me completely evaporated emotionally, and unable to see life through clear eyes.

I shook off a course of Wellbutrin in the '90's, which also left me quite cranky, as well as anxious. Being thin again, after a few months of pudge made me happier than the meds ever did. Nearly 10 years ago, I finally met THE ONE. He met me when I was having a bad time with my genetic illness- and in a wheelchair. He met me when I was leaving an OK, but not great relationship, which was, itself, a rebound from a bad marriage. All of my baggage, and he was just himself at all times, never apologizing for having an opinion, and one of the opinions was- and still is- that he loves me whether I like it or not.

He watched me battling prednisone, Hashmoto's Thyroidosis, Trigeminal Neuropathy, Ehlers-Danlos, and as a chaser, Myasthenia Gravis. The Prednisone was supposed to help with joint disorders and chronic sinus issues. Instead it made me much sicker, and before I was ever on it, I never had any of the autoimmunity issues. And, my husband has been my rock when it came to a diet plan, Nutrisystem, and the reasons I went for it.

But today I came to a realization. Yes, I do want to be healthier. Yes, I do want my body to be as good as it can be with muscles that work, and I want to feel that pain that doesn't have to break me day in and day out. I like that I'm eating healthier, and I really like that I'm doing "wiggles" every day. My health is not as bad as it had been in the past. It's easier for me to do things, without feeling like I need to sleep the day away afterwards. Nutrisystem didn't help me lose all the weight I wanted to lose- I've always seemed to have the up and down from medications. But, it did show me that I had more options than fast food, and better ways to take care of the "hungries".

Today, my realization is simply this- I can be a curvy girl AND be happy about it. I already have the man of my dreams, and I live in a wonderful home, surrounded by so much that is what I love most about life. I had a good run of years being a petite person, and now I'm not so petite. It shouldn't mean I'm less than human, no matter how many times I feel that way. It should mean that I am a woman, who is curvacious, and I don't need to apologize for that. I am eating well, and soon I will have a regular sleeping cycle. I dance- aka "wiggle"- each day for as long as my bones allow. I have support of friends here, friends online, and more so, my DH, who is my rock, in this hard place.

Yes, I expect to stay on the program until I can at least lose all I TRY to lose. There's no "can't" for me. Some things are hard, yep, but most things are just what life offers us, and I am not better or worse than anyone else. I'm great being curvy. It's my right as a woman, and for once, in my life, it's being embraced instead of being a cause of embarrassment.